Humorous Wedding Speech for a Groom in Sales

Humorous Wedding Speech for a Groom in Sales


Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - Today, I'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to a man who personifies intelligence, ambition, tact, generosity, and integrity. But it is John’s wedding so it's only fair that I talk about him as well.

Laughter

Now, I only met John a few years ago at university, meaning that I’ve had to rely on him perhaps more than I would have liked to get the details of his past. But apparently, the young John Cervoni was an exceptionally gifted child. After publishing his first novel at 15, John tells me that his English teacher was left in tears when he opted for the Sciences at A Level. He then reluctantly turned down offers from Harvard and Stanford, in order to study at that other great beacon of learning – State University. But between leaving school and going to State, where I met John, I can only assume that something far too terrible to enquire about must have happened to transform him into the mediocre bum that I know.

While at State U. John spent so much time skipping lectures they almost changed his degree to home economics. And when he left, his head of department gave him this reference: ‘Any company who gets
Mr. Cervoni to work for them will be very lucky indeed’. So not surprisingly, John has done absolutely nothing to help with the planning of this wedding. At one stage, Melissa got so desperate for help she had me search him for a socket. She wondered if maybe she had to plug him in.
Believe it or not, I wasn’t John’s only friend at university.

Laughter

John developed a close relationship with an African exchange student, named Chimaka. Their relationship was close in the sense that John admired Chimaka’s essay writing abilities and John was kindly always on hand to help Chimaka tidy up his written English.
Now Chimaka, who’s father was a tribal elder in Chimakaya and who’s village had donated money to send Chimaka to England, was rather shocked to find himself called into the Dean of Faculties office one morning to explain similarities in his essay to those of John. Two hours later, finding Chimaka on his doorstep threatening suicide, or murder, John's future skills as a salesman came into play. Quoting statistical probability, quantum mechanics and astrology with a straight face, John managed to save both university careers. Now, I recently managed to track down Chimaka to invite him on the stag night (bachelor party). But unfortunately he had to cover the drive through shift at the Burger King.

I mentioned John’s future lay in sales and for the last three years he’s been calling himself an independent salesman. I spoke to someone at his work and they confirmed this - he takes orders from no one. But he works almost everyday - almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday.

Now, what attracted Melissa to John? We know it can’t have been his exploits in the field of salesmanship. So could it have been his reputation as a rock guitarist? Well, I’ve seen John perform on several occasions at university so I speak with enough authority to rule that one out. More likely, it was his kind, thoughtful nature
and his ability to make her feel special … that and his penthouse.

But it’s obvious what attracted John to Melissa. She is such a beautiful, witty, charming and thoughtful person. And when she agreed to marry John, it totally proved to me that old adage – opposites really do attract.

All kidding aside - congratulations, both of you. You make a great couple, and I want to wish you all the best. So good luck, and may your marriage be long, happy and blessed with everything good in life.

Ladies and gentlemen, to the bride and groom.

Wedding Speech 4

Wedding Speech 4
Good afternoon Ladies Gentlemen girls and boys
We have arrived at that point in the day where we must rise from the comfort of our chairs and make fools out of ourselves, well some of us anyway!
I however will try and postpone mine for as long as possible and hand you over to Graham Helens father to say a few words.

Thank you Graham.

I would now like to hand you over to Andrew to make his excuses/say

a few words.

Well Andrew, I hope you made the most of your speech, Now you’re a

married man, that’ll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes

without being interrupted!

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls I hope you are having a

wonderful time,
For what seems to be the tenth time today I find my self rising from

a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
I would like to read some messages from those who could not make it

to this auspicious occasion.

MESSAGES

Now I will read a few cards which Andrew and Helen have requested

that I read
To Helen I’m Sorry I could not marry u myself so I got one of my

mate s to do it, but best wishes on your special Day
From the Pope ...
Congratulations on your special day Andrew we will miss u All the

girls from the fantasy lounge XX
Other cards

I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my

speech writing, But I’ll try my best, ''''cause Andrew said if I do

a good job today, I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too.

It’s a great honour ladies and gentlemen but in all honestly I’m

actually a little bit nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted

by the fact I’ve actually already rehearsed this speech in front of

a live audience. – Yep it was Andrews geriatric home – and I think

it went well – they all peeed themselves

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Peter and for those

of you that do ... well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Peter

would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I meet in the bar

later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name. [pause]
I am I one of Andrews brothers and isn’t it good to see that I am

finally receiving the recognition I deserve by being named as Best

man.
It is well known that I can talk and I couldn’t help but notice that

there is a bet on about the length of my speech.
Well, just to let you know, having backed myself at 2 hours 26

minutes and with the kitty currently standing at around 㿙, I must

apologise in advance, so please make yourself comfortable and enjoy

the ride.

I would like to thank the bridesmaids Vicky, Grace, Katie and

Charlotte whom I’m sure you will agree all look radiant. And how

nice it is to see Katie out of her emo/hippy out fit.

I would also like to thank Steve and Will for carrying out the

really difficult task of telling people where to sit in church, Nana

June for laying on the horse and carriage, lee for doing the

invitation inserts and Uncle Alan for doing the video.

I would also like to thank Auntie Anne, Auntie Pat and Debbie for

the glorious flowers in the church and everyone else who has helped

with the hall.

Now it gives me great Pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses

for some very important people, with out them the today would not be

the same,
Would you raise your glasses to toast..
The bar staff!!

Before I begin Helen would u place your right hand on the table,

Andrew would u place your left on top of Helens. All will be

revealed in good time.

I can confirm to you all that last night Andrew slept like a

baby………that is he wet the bed twice………..and woke up several times

crying for his MUMMY!

The only problem we’ve seen so far is that Andrew and Helen had a

bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn’t

decide where everyone should sit. So Andrew, in his true fashion,

decided to link it to the wedding present list He decided to put

those who brought the biggest items nearest the front, and work back

from there…
So ***** “pause” and look around at the back for ******* Andrew and

Helen wanted to say thanks for the oven glove!

Now Andrew and Helen have been together for a few years now and seem

to have found their soul mates in each other.

In life, its difficult to imagine Morecambe without Wise, Andrew

without his red MG, tom without jerry, Romeo without Juliet, Del

without Rodney, and of course Andrew without Helen.
Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with

the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I

wanted to make the process as easy as possible.
So where do you begin for ideas?
The obvious place seemed to be the Internet, so with a multitude of

resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.
After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on

the net, but ....then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for

Best Man tips!!!

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the

internet.... but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called

Andrew and Helen ....so it looks like it’s down to me after all.
As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am

supposed to SING THE GROOM’S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY

good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I CAN’T SING, and I WON’T LIE
Helen is a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God you

married her before she found one!

I do have to say how lucky you are Andrew. You will leave here

having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is

funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes. [pause]
face Helen
And Helen[pause]
how lucky you are as well [pause]
you leave today having gained a .[pause]
Gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers. [pause]

Andrew has had a chequered life and it started some 38 years ago

when quite small he entered our family and joined Steve and me.
This was a real disappointment to us as this meant that we had to

share our toys with one more person.
However it was not long until Andrew was exposing himself to the

whole country literally sitting on a potty in the middle of the

countryside as the world went on by.
Later he went on to school and by the age of sixteen he finally left

primary school.
He then started his working life Messams, then Curry’s, Clinches

hotel, the Coach and Horses pub, then the Blue Anchor in jersey here

at the Fishbourne club where he met Helen, then the Blue Bell at

cocking now at Cornelius house where he is hoping to get a discount

as he is getting close to requiring a room.

Now we have had a lot of trouble contacting people from his previous

places of work, and for some reason interpols fraud section has been

showing signs of interest, as most of these buisnesses are no longer

,
the coach and horses gone bust
The blue anchor gone bust
And the bluebell gone bust
But Helen has done a good job at covering the evidence up.

as for Helen well her life has just begun.

But Helen is keeping Andrew on the straight and narrow.

Instead of stories you will have to listen to my martial advice

instead.
I’m not sure I’m the best person to dish out advice! But I do have

the following words of wisdom for the happy couple.

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is the boss:
Then do everything Helen says.

Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words

[pause] ‘You’re right dear’.

Helen A husband is like a tiled floor [pause] lay it right first

time and you can spend years walking all over it.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and

the wife takes. [pause]

Remember the 5 rings
the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering,
the torturing and the enduring

Don’t forget Andrew if u buy her flowers, she knows your guilty, and

she will remember to the second the last time you bought her some …

and the reason why!

Now in case any of you are wondering why I asked Andrew to place his

hand on Helens. I will tell you now, Andrew as my final role, it is

with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last 10

minutes in which you have had the upper hand on Helen. It will

almost certainly be the last.

May your love be modern enough to service the times and old

fashioned enough to last 4 ever.

HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER,
AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
AS Andrew and Helen START THEIR NEW LIFE,
PLEASE STAND & TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND & WIFE.

If you would all be up standing in my toast

To the new Mr and Mrs Burt
Andrew and Helen

Wedding Speech Delivered by the Bride

Wedding Speech Delivered by the Bride


We did it!! I can’t believe we’re here already!! At first it felt like it couldn’t take any longer and the last few weeks just flew!
It’s overwhelming, I’m in awe!
Wow, I’m Mrs. Hollingsworth! I can’t believe it! Yeah, I can here my co-workers snickering in the back there, I can only imagine the stories I’ll be returning to!

First I’d like to clear up any confusion Jim, is Jamie to me. Now that’s out of the way, Jamie and I have traveled a long road together already and I’m looking forward to our continued journey as
husband and wife.

Jamie and I would like to thank our family and friends for coming tonight and being supportive to us at different stages of our lives.
We’d also like to thank those who couldn’t be with us in body and spirit like my papa who isn’t forgotten and is loved and missed very much! We’d also like to thank the people who we don’t know very well for coming and we’d like to take the opportunity tonight to get to know you better. Most of all we’d like to thank our parents for teaching us the 10 important rules to a healthy marriage:

Never both be angry at the same time.
Never Yell at each other unless the house on fire.
If one of us HAS to win an argument, let it be your mate.
If you have to criticize, do it lovingly.
Never bring up mistakes of the past.
Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
At least once everyday try to say one nice thing to your mate.
When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness.
It takes 2 to quarrel and the one in the wrong is the one who does the talking.

I hope we can remember these rules and live by them. Not only do we want to thank our parents for these rules they are only part of what they’ve taught us. We also want to thank-you for building courage when we are scared, for strengthening our hearts when we are weak and when we have self esteem we can conquer anything!

We would like to thank the Olympia for creating this wonderful meal and
Their lovely staff for their service and kindness and for making this a night to remember.

We would like to thank our beautiful wedding party for their hard work and loyalty & I know they deserve it. Even when things got hectic and I was losing my mind they really pulled through and lifted me up and that is what true friends are made of so let’s lift our glasses and toast to our wonderful entourage. Cheers!
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